Yesterday I sat in my room, alone, for three hours.

Three hours of just staring at the ceiling, thinking about the way things are, and how they got this way. Eventually I came to the conclusion that it'll only get worse so there is no sense in even trying to prevent it. These feelings of betrayal, abandonment, self-loathing, and even a little bit of jealousy aren't new. No, they've been with me since at least middle school, if not earlier. But lately they seem to be stronger, more intense... I thought about calling someone, and talking with them to distract me, but I figured she'd be busy or most likely at work and I didn't want to end up depressing her, too. Besides, she's moved on with her new life now, anyway, and I don't really fit into it.

I always want everyone else to be happy. I always want to please everyone, and make sure that they're having a good time, or that they get where they need to go, or that they don't need to worry about things because I'll take care of them. Apparently, that makes me selfish. I'm selfish because when someone calls me at 2:00 in the morning saying they're too drunk to get home, I drag my ass out of bed and go get them, because I feel bad for them. I feel bad because they fucked up and got themselves stuck somewhere. I'm selfish because I'd rather give my friend a ride to work even though it will definitely make me late to my job. And I guess I'm especially selfish when I decided that I'd rather kill myself working two jobs and going to school full time, just so I could see you more often, and maybe we'd get to hangout during the day.

I can't stand it when people buy me things, or when they give me something because I am mentally compelled to return the favor or repay them. Everyone says I'm rude because of this, and that I don't appreciate anything they do for me. I wish they could show  them how I feel... I'm pretty sure nobody appreciates anything I do. (I think if they did, maybe  they'd make an attempt at it.) But when I give someone something, or lend them a few bucks,  I really couldn't care less if they paid me back or not. (Despite the fact that these days I actually need that money...) When I'm at someone's house and they're having a party, I don't think twice about lapping around a few times and picking up things that people have just left sitting out. It's just a habit because I know the host(-ess) probably has a million other things to deal with, like morons puking on their parent's bed. Then there are the things that I actually make an effort to do, like texting people to make sure they got home okay, or asking how your day was because we haven't had a chance to chat, ruining my chances at a decent education because I'm more concerned about my mom and my need to arrange things to the point where she doesn't have to worry about  getting evicted or sent to jail for credit debt. I hate that the one person who wants to help me, and actually cares about what I'm going through (instead of calling me an ignorant moron, or a self centered  child blind to the fact that I'm not the only one suffering) will be gone soon and I won't have anywhere to turn to try and turn my mind off for a few hours. Once he's gone, I'm sure I'll be stuck. I'll probably be stuck in the house because that's how things are the majority of the time now. I hate going out, because I'm just reminded of how better off everyone else is, and how happy they are with their lives; how well things are going for them, and how they really don't have to worry about most of the things I do. They barely have to try, and everyone accepts them as they are. I try until I'm left without the energy to do anything else, and I'm still not considered a friend. I'm just another person to waste gas with, or share a beer and a round of mario kart with. I'm not the person you call up
when you wanna hang out, or go shopping, or just sit around and watch movies all day. You've got your friends for that, and I'm probably never going to be one of them. But, god, you have no idea how much I'd like to.

I guess I'm a really shitty person. No wonder everyone thinks I'm a jackass.

About 50% of people look back and say, "I don't really know at what part my depression became extreme." On the other hand, the other 50% can look back and pinpoint an exact moment in their past which triggered their downward spiral.

I'm stuck in the middle. (I know, you're sitting there going "You just made a statistic using a full 100% divided in two. You cannot physically be in the middle. There isn't a third option.") Yes, I know, but that is how I feel. I feel like there wasn't just one event that caused me to arrive where I am now, it feels like everything just began adding up... I guess I could generalize and say it started around the time when my parents made the drop from "upper middle class" to "lower middle class." That was a hard transition for me because I've always been spoiled. Always. I've always been the kid at the lunch table that everyone asks for extra lunch money. I've always been the friend at the mall that'll loan you that extra $20 - when I have it - to get that killer new pair of pants you want. It's always been whatever, if I have it, I'll share it. (My oldest friends, Meg, Becca, Christine, probably know that better than anything because they were around when this was a more common happening.) But when we started to not have that extra spending money, I had to come to a realization that my parents weren't always going to buy everything for me. I know right, big freakin' deal Audrey, grow up. That wasn't really it... I don't think that bothered me too much. I wasn't a dumb kid, I always knew this, it's just... more of the way things went after that. The slow transition from being spoiled to me getting a job... then me helping mom out with like electricity and stuff... then helping mom out with the groceries... to where I am now. We pretty much go at every bill 50/50. First let me say, no, I'm not being a snitty kid and trying to say that my mom is ruining my life and that this isn't fair. It isn't fair, but that is life. I shouldn't be paying my parent's mortgage at 19. I shouldn't be buying the family food and stuff at 19. No, I should be saving up to buy my first car. (The one that I myself pay for, not my parents) I should be saving up to maybe move out, or college. Stuff like that.

Then there was the ACL. That was a HUGE suckfest. At least before, when I was dealing with all of my parent's problems... I'd still have that escape on the weekends. I could go to the VBH and relieve all my stress, hang out with my teammates and best friends, and just relax... prepare myself for another week. For the past 6 years, Volleyball has been my life. I'm not talking play or die type of deal, but I mean.... it was the one thing I ALWAYS had to look forward to. It was something completely stable, in my completely unstable world that I could always depend on. In High school, that's what got me through the day, was knowing I had practice or a game that night... or a club tourney on the weekend. Out of season it's what got me through the year, knowing that in the fall I'd be able to play again. When high school ended I felt a loss, because my team had been so close, and we had bonded so well... I didn't know what to do in college because I thought I was done Volleyball. Then Lija came with me to CCBC and we decided to play there. Again, I felt complete. I felt needed and depended on, because there were 5 other people on the court who needed me for something. (Lame, I know, but that's who I am. And these are the things I love.)

Now that I don't have Volleyball as a distraction, it seems that everything just comes down on me... every single day of the week... and it's like a never-ending cyclone.

There are days when I sit at my desk at work, and just daydream of winning the lotto and being able to pay off my entire surgery, and then most of my mom's debt. That would truly be the happiest point in my life so far, and I'm pretty sure it would make the top 5, if not the #1 spot of my entire life to come. But, hey, those are just dreams... right? 

I'm not trying to say that I'm the only one going through "tough times", or that I'm the only one in the world who has problems. Hell, most people have much, much bigger problems than what I deal with. But I'm not them. This is my life, and these are the things I deal with. Or, at least, try to deal with...

In the most recent days past... I'd say back as far as about.. a month, I haven't been happy. Before my birthday, I at least could go out and have a good time with people, and try to find something to enjoy about life. Now, I can't even do that. Just putting up a front and trying to pretend I'm fine doesn't even fool anyone anymore. It doesn't even fool me. The effort needed to feign these feelings and smiles just isn't inside me, and I'm tired of trying. The only thing I ever want to do is sit in my room and just sulk (for lack of a better term). I don't know where I'd even begin if I wanted to be happy, but the thing is... I don't even want to be happy anymore. I just... don't even care. I've become completely apathetic towards almost everything.

Basically I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to anyone in the past to make them feel bad, unwanted, unloved or just unnecessary to or by me. And I don't know how to end this, so....

It's about time that I came clean with you
I'm no longer fine, I'm no longer running smooth
I thought that I found myself under something new
Just one more line I repeat over and over again
Till I'm blue in the face with a choking regret
As I talk in circles 'round you on my bed
Can't say I blame you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun, and so far from interesting
I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old
Just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold
In disgraced with a shameful regret
As I talk in tongues to myself in my bed
Can't say I blame you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time
And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time

And I don't dream since I quit sleeping
And I haven't slept since I met you
And you can't breathe without coughing at daytime
And neither can I
So what do you say?
Your coffin, or mine?

I would really appreciate if CareFirst BCBS would get back to me in a timely manner regarding my health insurance application. I would like to know whether or not I can stop obsessing over the outcome of my never having surgery or not. It's driving me up the wall. I applied sometime early last week, Sunday, I believe and I still haven't heard back from them. I tried calling yesterday, but, like every other major company when you call in search of an answer, all you recieve is an endless connection of machines telling you to press 2 if you want Spanish. I sometimes wish I was a hacker, so that I could get into their system and change it to "Para Español, RETURN TO FUCKING MEXICO. Muchas Gracias con amore." or "Para escuchar shitty musica, continue as you are." That would make the 2 hour eternal holding session almost worth it.

Maybe they'll get back to me by Christmas? I won't hold my breath... chances are if I do, I'll be worm food when they call me. "Sorry, I can't come to the phone right now, I'm currently six feet under playing poker with the minions and Satan himself, but, leave a message and if I ever so happen to escape the eternal damnation that is this ring of hellfire, I'll be sure to give you a prompt call back. Thanks and burn in hell! Audrey. *beep*"

In other news, NYE2k8 is still on hold, lol. Need to work on my planning skills. I obviously have free time right now, but, that's being wasted on Woot.com pressing F5 every 10 seconds to make sure I'm not missing anything good on the wootoff. Holla.
 

Against the cold and foggy glass,
a troubled girl dwells on memories past...
Days of ease, carelessness and joy,
back when it was nothing more
than one girl, one boy.

Back when he was her entire world,
when, to him, there was no other girl.
As the raindrops fall on a cold day so dreary,
her trust in him weak, her resolve ever weary...

She wants nothing short of absolute certainty,
to be standing at his side, for an entire eternity...
Paranoia, fear, anxiety, and regret,
none of which make the mistakes easy to forget.

As the days progress, so bitter and cold
the countdown will begin, or so she is told.
She knows that spring day will soon be here,
when they must part with eyes so full of tears.

The second part of their journey must now begin,
only time will tell which side will win...
Her heart and soul are rooting for the better,
the ending without that awful Dear John Letter.

But something inside urges not to trust,
in a man so easily enticed only by lust.
So until the fall when they meet again,
only time will pave the way for this story's end.

Two Zero Zero Ocho
(Idea from Farrella)

A lesson in applying eye makeup
A million trips to SUPER WAL MART
A new beginning in the work world
A Sandy Point, RT. 3, Hardee's CurlyFrytastic, BurgerKing'sDriveThruSucks, I'mTheOnlyOneOnRollerblades, Can'tIJustWaitHere, Rita's intense day
A St. Patrick's day to remember
A WalMart adventure in a wheelchair with Trojans
An end to a seemingly endless era @ Michael's
Countless nights @ the Buell's
Getting locked out of the Corolla @ 5 a.m. so that we could get some FRESH 30° air
GRTW (uh huh uh huh)
Having my baby come home : ) <3
Many EPIC wins in MarioKart 64
Numerous losses in Brawl
TAPEWORM ADVENT (Discovering Fito's tapeworm)
T-H-E---F-R-O-G
One 4th of July forgotten
One bad breakup
One battle to save a friendship
One barretta
One EPIC Halloween in College Park
One episode of the Bank trying to kill Kenny (OMG, you bastards)
One HEINOUS bitch in a Red SUV (GO STEELERS)
One meaningless romantic holiday
One monumental revelation
One pet lost
One physical disaster
One ridiculous woman with an entire FOUXFUR outfit
One rollerblade disaster
One unforgettable Mother's Day
One "WING" Salad
Two Be*Se*To adventures
Two business Marks
Two drives on Seven Hills
Two "friend" losses
Two fresh starts
Two monumental boys
Two sightings of the 50YearOldCreeper @ Iguana
Two trips to Crab Shanty (Yum)
Three bad decisions
Five days @ Centennial
FIVE Thanksgivings
Six bonfires with amazing people
(Three of them in sub-zero temps :])
Six HMart trips for SFR & Sushi
Seven excruciating months without Volleyball
Seven new Yahoo friends Nationwide
(with way too many amazing nights)
Sixteen revelations
Twenty episodes of being Stuck in the Closet
Twenty life lessons learned
Sixty frightened highway screams from Kenny
Eighty trips to Panera
One Hundred mall trips to spend negative funds
One Hundred sleepless nights
One Hundred Slurpees
Four Hundred angry outbursts in traffic
Eight Hundred instances of confusion

And so it begins. December. The time of year where everyone loses whatever sanity they've manage to cling to these past eleven months with the common goal of pursuing and recovering the perfect gift for each and every person in their life. The time of year that is supposed to be the most festive, and everyone is supposed to emit holiday cheer from every orifice on their body.

Oh, and the time of year when everyone else turns into a fucking psychopath.

Not me. I'm not going to Toys R Us to get shot by some guy who just HAS to have this year's hottest Tickle-Me-Elmo. I'm not going to WalMart just so that I can watch a defenseless elderly man be trampled by a mob of people who wouldn't even bother to stop and help him, because that would lower their chances of getting whatever ridiculously over-priced item they came for.

I didn't do the Thanksgiving entry this year, mostly because I had five of them and I just didn't have the time. But sitting here writing this entry, I'm pretty sure I'm 100% thankful that I am NOT working in retail this holiday season. Not only do we have the normal psychotic parents trying to kill each other over $20 toys, but we also have the psychotic parents trying to kill each other over $20 toys THEY CAN'T AFFORD. The ENTIRE country is in a recession. You CANNOT tell me that it hasn't affected you in AT LEAST one way. So, all of these people cramming into stores, standing in 2 hour + lines with carts full of crap that their children will unwrap, cherish for Christmas day, then toss into their closet for the next 364 days until Christmas 2009 are morons.

I have NINE gifts to give this year. That's it. And there is no way I'm even going to break $150 on anything. Because I know that I can't afford that.

Happy Holidays. Make me some damn cookies : )

There are some things that I just don't understand....

the way people deal with their problems is definitely very high up on that list...

Maybe it's because I've only had eighteen full years in this world. Maybe it's because I'm not part of this relationship. Maybe it's because I'm dumb... or maybe there is no reason why... but I just don't understand this. How can a person be in a relationship, where they, themselves, verbally berate, chastise and otherwise completely demoralize their significant other and NOT expect negative consequences. Why do you think that your spouse won't eventually become perpetually depressed and do nothing but sulk and try to figure out why you're being like this? Why do you even think it's okay to do this in the first place?

I mean, what the hell? Is there something I'm missing. If I was in his place, I'd be a complete mess. I'd be extremely depressed and confused if I had you wearing me down like that all the time, too!

Maybe you should actually take the time to tell him how you feel, instead of treating him like complete crap and making him feel entirely worthless? Idk, that's just a thought there.

Sometimes, I don't even think you realize what you're doing... but those snide remarks, the blame-game, the guilt trips... everything adds up and eventually you're going to end up alone, because you didn't have the decency to sit down and have damn conversation with one person. The one person who is supposed to mean a lot to you. Who, until this started, you meant a lot to.

I really wish you could see this from the outside, see what you're doing. Maybe then you'd be able to gain a different perspective, and correct this before it's too late. Despite the arguments and stupid fights, time time I've had with him has been great. He's meant more to me, and done more for me, than other people who are supposed to have that responsibilty.

All I know is that if you drive him away, I'm gone too... it's all I can do to just sit by and watch this happen... I know it's not my style, but interfering would only cause more problems because I know you, and you just won't listen. That is your biggest problem.

When you can listen, then all of this can be fixed.